Two years ago I was not sure if I had two weeks. My doctors did not even want to talk about my prognosis.
I got diagnosed with Breast Cancer Tuesday June 5th 2009. No Stage yet, but an operation, some radiation and some chemo should do it. I was more concerned with cup sizes for the reconstruction than survival rates as I was on the good side of the curve. Then, on Friday June 8th I was in so much pain I could barely breathe. I called my family doc again and she sent me right to the ER. Five hours later, my life as I knew it was over. Within the blink of an eye (aka three days) I went from a 93% for a 5 year survival rate to a 15%. Big hit in the tummy.
And two years later I am still around, happy go lucky. The longer I live the better my chances are. Like 'Live a day, get one free!' :) Sometimes it does not even feel like a big deal. Life goes on and the whole Cancer thing seems so surreal. Two years already. I feel good and could not ask for better support than what I have. All the doctors and nurses are great, family and friends are wonderful and Reed is the best HubHub there is in the whole wide world. But that's just my opinion ;) Of cause I also have bad days - when everything seems so overwhelming. I wonder how on earth I was able to deal with it yesterday.
My biggest fear is described pretty good in the song Cancer from My Chemical Romance. It is pretty depressing, but true. I talk humorously about the nausea and an unexplained pain here and there. My finger spontaneously bleeds, oh well. Must have caught it closing the stupid Jeans. Dry, itchy and cracked skin is just normal. Just slap more healing lotion on it. There are people who take medications for itchy dry skin that has more side effects than all my meds combined. Plus they get the additional increased risk of getting cancer. THAT is weird.
Being exhausted is common so it is good that I like to relax and meditate (aka being lazy). I joke around about that sometimes I just can't make any decisions and there is a big whirl in my head that sucks all thoughts right out of me. When there are too many people around or I am in a noisy environment, that makes me nervous. Since my brain tumors got smaller and fewer it's not that bad anymore, but it is still overcrowded in there. Some days I want to do nothing more than getting a brainwash from watching too much TV. Easy Stuff. But even the thought about leaving you behind in this world would eat me right up if I stay with it for too long. On a side note, contact lenses do stay in when you cry really really hard. Deep breath.
I am not anywhere near thinking about quality vs quantity of live. But people talk about it. Than I count myself lucky. We have been through too much already and the good times just have to start soon enough again. Most parts of the day are really good already and it keeps getting better. I have plans for July when I go to the First Descents (http://www.firstdescents.org/) kayaking camp. One month after my sister-in-laws wedding, so I can go all out ;) Both events will be awesome.
I guess that is why I take all those pills and deal with it. The chemo pills and Herceptin infusion to fight the cancer. That gave me some side effects with my heart/circulation, so I take pills for that. Than the Anti-Seizure pill. Something for the tummy (heartburn sucks!) and for nausea to handle it all. Now Antibiotics to help with the cuts and scrapes. Some special and generic Vitamins just to top it of.
That is how I do it. One breath at a time. One day at a time. One month at a time. One year at a time. Working with optimism on the 'One decade at a time'.
Hugs & Smiles.
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