~ LotR
Long time no see. It got worse before it got better - where would be the fun if it would be different? Writing and reading were extremely un-fun. It did not click and going through the stuff I wrote took too much out of me.
I am so thankful for everybody who helped me through that time. I am doing great now,
I "kind of" edited the posts I wrote before and here they come, some were quiet amusing :)
Everyone is getting older, the mind slows down and stuff does not make as much sense as it used to be. That is just normal. To being taking on that ride with 35 is just plain old weird. Right now my brain seems to be in a sleep mode most of the time. But once a while it starts buzzing (literally, I can hear some static going on in there) and goes in overdrive. Both times I try to enjoy the ride. When my brain is firing up I write the blog or send emails out at 2am as random thoughts pop into my head. When more close to sleep mode I try to relax and just let it go. I have faith and trust that it will all come back. Trying to hold on or even mourning about it is just no fun. So I don't do it. I am getting a little preview of what my mind might be in 50 years. Than later I can say, yeah, did it and I even got a T-Shirt. And everyone knows that when you can get a T-Shirt for something it, could not have been that bad.
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But it is not all fun and games. Sometimes it gets to me. This time it feels more personal, it is really coming after me. The first time the cancer attacked was more than bad, but this feels worse. I did not like to be sick, being in pain or nauseated from all that chemo they pumped into me. But it was somewhere in the body. I was tired, exhausted and just tried to sleep through it. Now it is in the brain. My brain. That is me, what makes me me. I don't like it. And I don't like the changes it does to me. I am a numbers person. They make sense. There is a logic. Sometimes I can barely get a proper tip amount together or even get a grip on what I have to pay. Yes, she just told me but I have to look at that number and take a couple seconds. And than I might just hand her a card anyways. This is the time when I just step back, try to relax, take a breath and have trust in Reed, my family and friends to take care of it. If I owe you money just tell me (over and over again lol) or Reed. Sometimes my fine motoric skills fly out of the window. Writing is slow and it takes effort. Reading is down to 10% of my normal speed.
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My brain is working slower. I feel it and I don't like it. I try to relax about it and have faith it will come back. A Duplo can give me a little burst, but not back to 100%. Speaking and understanding are even a little slower. This is the frustrating part. That they are not on the same level anymore. So even when I get a fairly clear thought (with some effort), there seems to be another thick layer of something I have to get through - lets call it silly putty - to be able to communicate that thought. There is a little mismatch between thought and word. It is normally the same or translates/transforms instantly but right now wrong words come out, or no word at all. Totally weird. And absolutely frustrating. Seconds go by and slowly slowly that little transformer whines itself up - I actually have a picture of her in my head right now. It is an Irish fairy at a stream, the air is flurry and full of pollen and all is green. She gets up slowly, pulls it's attention from that nice environment and starts doing her job, not being particularly happy about being pulled away out of her happy place. Maybe this is my happy place. I know that if I would be there right now, I would be in completely peace. I want to go there and sit there and stay there right now, relax and wait peacefully until everything is over. It will be all good again and until than, you can just sit here, right next to me. She has such a pretty voice. We won't talk a lot. I might just point out the one or other bumble bee or butterfly that flys by. No worries, pay no attention, it will come back and you will have plenty of opportunities to look at it. Relax. Breath. Warmth. Just be. Enjoy. I am crying. I want to be a like T'Pol from the new Enterprise. I need to learn how to meditate. Maybe I should be a Buddhist. They always seem to be so happy. All this openness and fresh air and colors and fabrics. Sounds wonderful right now. And for some reason I think they would let me eat lots of chocolate. Yeah, chewing my Duplo right now. Need a brain burst. My mind is really all over the place today.
And than there are phone calls. I had a couple in the last days and I seriously consider just answering the phone when Reed or good friends call. Take what I said about talking and subtract that I can't see the person that I talk to, I might not even know the person. And than they all speak English!! LOL. I am not sure I can do it. It would not be instantly like throwing a Napalm bomb into my little Irish fairy dream, but some flames come up and sooner or later it looks more like Platoon than Irish Moos.
It is nearly 9am now. So it took me four hours to write this. Yes, there were some detours, Leo dictionary word searches and I looked at pictures from Silly Putty to Platoon. But my mind speed seems to be more compatible with writing, where I can just take off and Google random thoughts, come back in five minutes and pick up where I left.
